At 41 weeks of pregnancy, I still wasn’t dilating or having strong contractions. My doctors wanted me to be induced before 42 weeks, so they scheduled me for an induction on Sunday January 28th at 10 pm at Chandler Regional here in the Phoenix metro. I was disappointed because I really wanted to be able to go into labor naturally, but I was also worried about waiting and any complications that could arise if I did. So my mom and I packed up the car and headed to the hospital with as much positivity as we could muster. I was excited to know that at least we would be leaving with baby boy. Unfortunately, everything that could go wrong with my labor, delivery, and everything that followed after, did… In this blog post I am sharing a recap of our birth story!

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I want to start by saying that I was really hoping to be able to share a “positive” birth story but unfortunately, it was very traumatic. Things could have been so much worse, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it was a very tough experience for me, which I want to share openly and honestly. Those of you who have been following along with my story know that my partner, who had struggled with his mental health for years, suffered a mental breakdown when I was about 6 months pregnant. Because of this we had to part ways and this made the rest of my pregnancy very hard and depressing though I tried to stay as positive as possible for baby boy. About 2 weeks before my due date, he finally went and got help. I was so thankful but also very stressed during this time. I believe all this stress and heartache was the reason I was not able to go into labor naturally, because I just didn’t have enough oxytocin which is crucial for going into labor.

So we checked into the hospital at 10 pm that Sunday and it wasn’t until about 1 am that I was checked in or given the first round of labor inducing drugs that my doctor wanted to try which was Cervidil. The Cervidil was inserted (it’s like a tampon) and I was supposed to sleep with it in all night, but about an hour later, a team of 5 nurses ran in because baby’s heart rate had dipped. This could have been from the Cervidil or it also could have been because of the bluetooth monitor my nurse placed on my belly, which instantly made baby boy start moving around like crazy. I thought it would be better then being hooked up to monitors all night because I had to get up to go to the bathroom so often. I should have realized it would of course not be great for the baby. They had to hook me up to an IV drip and an oxygen mask. Once he was back on the monitor, I went the rest of the night with the Cervidil in until it fell out and a new one had to be reinserted early the next morning. I was definitely feeling contractions that night, but in the morning there was still no dilation. The rest of the day I did movements on my pregnancy ball and other positions with a peanut ball that my nurse wanted me to try. The plan was to leave the Cervidil in until 4 pm and at that time when my doctor checked, I had finally dilated to 1 cm. Baby boy’s heartbeat had gone down another time and at that point they had to give me a shot to slow my contractions down. My doctor decided we should not try the next medication (Cytotec) because baby boy was not reacting well to the medications and instead wanted to try inserting a Foley bulb.

I had gotten little sleep the first night and the second night when I had the Foley bulb in, my contractions had started to get much more painful. I finally gave in to being given some Fentanyl because I knew that I would need to get some sleep if I was going to have the strength to push my baby out the next day. The low dose they gave me didn’t help so they ended up giving me two stronger doses throughout the night and I didn’t get any sleep that night either. By the next morning, the Foley bulb fell out like it was supposed to when I was dilated to 4-5 cm. A little later that morning, we started Pitocin which made my contractions much more painful and on top of each other, so by the afternoon I finally had an Epidural inserted. I had done so much research to prepare for labor and I really wanted to manage the pain without one, but by that point I was so exhausted and couldn’t handle the back to back contractions. When my doctor checked later that afternoon, I was dilated to about 6-7 cm. She said my water had broken and she could feel baby boy’s head and all his hair but. But baby boy’s head was not facing the right direction and the water was tinted green because he had pooped inside my uterus due to all the stress. My doctor had warned me that if baby boy’s heart beat went under again, we would have to do a C-section. We were still hopeful that I would be able to give birth vaginally, so the nurse I had that day helped me get into all these different positions to try to get baby’s head turned. Even with the Epidural, I was able to get into all the positions with very little help from my nurse which I think was because of all the strength I had built up during my pregnancy. I had been walking 3 miles a day, doing pregnancy pilates, and the Miles Circuit in preparation for a vaginal birth.

Early that evening, I was suddenly in so much pain. It turns out that all the different positions we had been trying must have dislodged my epidural. I had been telling my nurses throughout the day that I didn’t think the Epidural was working, but they had thought it was just wearing off/my body was getting used to it. I was also feeling an immense pressure in my vagina and anus because baby boy’s head was engaging in my pelvis. By this point I was writhing around in pain like a possessed person without the Epidural. An anesthesiologist came in to give me medication to try to ease the pain but it didn’t help. He ended up giving me another Epidural. I instantly felt a lot better pain wise, but shortly after, baby’s heart dropped again. He hadn’t reacted that way to the first epidural so I think it must have been the combo of the drug they gave me before the 2nd Epidural (he never mentioned the name of it). The team of nurses came back in, I was hooked up to oxygen and IV drip again, and given that shot for the second time to stop the contractions. After the second Epidural, I had no control over the lower half of my body so the nurses all had to put me in the positions they needed to while trying to get baby boy’s heart rate back. By this point, I could no longer control my emotions and fear started to set in. After that, the new doctor from my OBGYN clinic who was on shift had come in and said that we would have to do a C-section. I wasn’t dilating past 6-7 cm and at this point, baby was being forced down to quickly from the intense Pitocin contractions and my pelvis wasn’t opening up fast enough. His face was also tilted down and scraping up the nerves in my back and anus which is why I was feeling so much pain as well.

I really never expected that I would need a C-section so I didn’t do any research about it. All the research I had done about vaginal birth, etc. had been for nothing. I tried to stay as calm as possible about it while waiting for the doctors to perform the surgery. Since I already had the Epidural, they were able to quickly get me ready and after about an hour and half, they took me up to the C-section operating room. They gave me more anesthesia for the operation but I was still able to feel everything that was going on from the knives slicing me open to baby being pulled out. I was completely freaked out by this and started having convulsions. I felt so cold and I couldn’t stop shaking which I guess is common in C-sections, but I didn’t know that so I felt like I was dying. I kept thinking during this process, what if I die or baby dies and my partner (the father of my baby) wouldn’t even know? I always imagined he would be with me when I delivered my baby and that made me very emotional as well. My mother was there with me and she tried to calm me down during the shakes but it was truly horrible. I finally felt better when my mom brought baby boy over to me and put his face to mine. That was all the skin to skin I got until they brought us to the transitional area before being taken up to my postpartum room. Everything on my birth plan had gone out the window unfortunately.

I was able to breast feed him and due skin to skin while we waited in the transitional area. I was so thirsty and hungry but all I could have was jello, apple juice, and water. We were checked into the postpartum room at 4 am and a nurse kept coming in every hour to check his blood sugar. My mom was sleeping and I was so out of it from all the drugs that I didn’t really know what was going on. By 8 am the new nurse told me that baby boy’s blood sugar had tested low 3 times and he would have to be taken to the NICU. I was completely in shock at this point and started bawling. Every pregnancy nightmare I had ever had, going through a breakup while pregnant, C-section, having my baby taken to the NICU, had come true at this point. I could see that he was getting weaker and I knew that it was necessary he got help but it was so hard to have him taken away from me. I was so upset when I learned that the drug that they had given me to stop the contractions leads to low blood sugar in the baby after they are born, which I had not been told before hand.

As soon as I was medically cleared, I had a nurse wheelchair me down to the NICU to see him. When I got there I was bombarded by a social worker who wanted to talk to me about the situation with the father of my baby and my mental health. All of her question made me cry more. Then two pediatricians gave me information overload about how I should really consider donor milk and formula because I would most likely not be able to produce enough milk to get him well fast enough. I was so upset because all I wanted was to spend time with my baby. I told the pediatricians that my wish was to breast feed exclusively and I would do whatever it took to make that happen. After they left, the angel that was my NICU nurse told me they shouldn’t have bombarded me like that and that she would help me try to do whatever it took to honor my wishes of trying to breastfeed my baby. She helped me do skin to skin and to breastfeed him right away. I had been collecting my Colostrum in syringes since 37 weeks of pregnancy which I sent down in the ice box I brought them in to the NICU as soon as they checked him in. I knew how to hand express my Colostrum already which helped while I breast fed him. They let me come down every 3 hours day and night to feed him and have skin to skin time. The only times I didn’t come in were for the 2 am and 5 am shift so that I could try to get some sleep, but I still woke up to pump and sent down whatever I collected with a nurse. I was so sleep deprived and in so much pain, it was very hard for me to even get out of bed. I had the baby blues right away which I think was due to the C-section and NICU trauma. I kept thinking to myself, I can’t go through all this again, I’m not strong enough… It’s very sad because I never thought I would think of pregnancy in that way. My syringes lasted about 1 day and a half so I really had to pump as often as possible in between visits, which was hard with all the nurses coming in to give me drugs, check my incision, pediatricians, doctors, and more coming in every hour. I barely had time to eat meals and went without brushing my hair or even teeth during that week. After 4 days he was medically cleared and after a week in the hospital we were finally able to come home.

I hope that in time I am fully able to heal from all this trauma. Even though my pregnancy and birth didn’t go as I hoped they would, I am so thankful to have my baby boy, Sage Wylder, a name that popped into my head during the third trimester and stuck. I am so lucky to be his mama and so thankful that we are both here, safe and healthy.

XOXO